Is it all my fault ?
I was engaged before for few months , i was planning and going into the marriage , it was a sort of arranged , but because the guy was nice and my parents liked him , so I went into the issue and because he was the first one in my life , my emotions drifted quickly and felt liking him a lot and i didn't mind to call him frequently which was an obvious indicator that I liked him.
At the begining he was very caring and like to call me by hours, afer I agreed on him , and the engagement took place , things turned the other round slowly , at the begining , two or three times calling , after a while once a day and I didn;t mind, after a while he calls at 7 pm the first call , and i felt so much hurted because his way changed , he was very upset from blaming him , he said that i am doing pressure on him , actually the message or the ring that he could of done in the morning won't do much , but it will show that he cares ! right ?
Even if this is his way , and at the begining he was overwhelming with me , but he actually felt how much emotions I need , People indeed differ, i may need emtions fullfillment more than some people else , and what is the problem that he gives me the emtions that I need ?
A phone call will not make much difference and will not cost him much , even if this is not his attitude , to be over emotinal , but this is part of giving , why not to give me the thing i need especially that it won;t cost him sometning ? ,
I was doing things he required from me , to change it in my self and I did for his sake as far as I could , but he was still upset , blamming me that I am not doing what he wants but i was trying , is n't partner ship requires giving from both sides ?
Things turned miserable for me , I found myslef getting nervous , can;t keep control my temper , getting nervous for the least reasons, I got nervous on him , i got nervous on my family , I was panicing in a terrible way , IS that normal ? I think I could of been over reacting , but what can I do about that ? I wish if my reactions are quite and not hyper as it happened . I know that this could upset but my reactions are HIGH, For 2 months before we broke up , i was going down and he was taking it on his pride the way how i was talking to him in this way , i.e getting nervous on him , and he wasn't even answering my phone calls , that was terrible week until we broke up.
My problem now, is that people say because you are n't experienced in the way how to deal with men , you should n;t of show him that you care and some else says you shouldn;t of get nervous .
The guy was fine , but i was turning out to be some other person than who I am ,
till now, can't be the same even if I try to be so but still in pain whenever I remember .
I found myslef getting panic for the least reasons these days , whenever there is a debate for example with mom and my sis , I found myslef getting nervous and saying like ENough , i can;t handle any mre stress , my nerves are getting down for the lest reasons, and the people in debate themselves aren;t. Mom tells me that this is indeed not normal and I should have some self training to take tings on lightly basis , I wish if I can !
So is it all my fault ?
posted by roora @ 3:55 PM
17 Comments:
Roora,
It sounds like a difficult situation. My best advice to you would to just be who you are. If you feel care towards someone you should show it. If that is not considered acceptable by him perhaps it is time to reexamine your situation. Best wishes to you.
thanks jane for your advice, i appreciate it
"I was doing things he required from me , to change it in my self and I did for his sake as far as I could , but he was still upset , blamming me that I am not doing what he wants but i was trying , is n't partner ship requires giving from both sides ?"
From what you wrote above Roora I think this is not a healthy relationship. He needs to accept you for who you are and not keep trying to change you and control you.
You will compromise in any relationship but the way you describe it sounds like this man wants to control you. I hope I don't sound too judgemental here but I hope you don't marry him.
People are so quick to be negative and show hostility towards each other...I guess I find it sad that we often feel we must be so guarded when it comes to love or true care for each other. Some day the right man will come into your life. I believe people are like shoes, every one has a match out there somewhere.
Twosret , you are absolutely right , He was indeed controlling me , and even if i tried to change myslef in some aspects that I believe and I am trully convinced that I am wrong in , is something and controlling me totally is something else ,
that is what actually most of friends observed , that it was too dominant relationship and wasn't turning me happy. I was turning some one esle actually !
Thanks jane , relations should be built on mutual acre and love and giving , there is no problem to be some how guarded,. this is normal , un any relation between families but there should be consultation and respect and Giving.
yes i like your metaphor , the shoe thing ! You are absolutely right
roora ya habibty, you really need to stop blaming yourself. for what? for the fact that you two are not compatible?
it is someone's fault when something bad happens, here, i think, the engagement ending is not a bad thing from the way things were going.
and a good fulfilling relationship has more accepting and less criticizing. compromises are inevitible, but not to the extent to change who you are.
I second Do on that ya Roora...isA God will send you someone who wants you for who you are... NOT for who he wants you to be...
thanks Me , i was looking forward for you to read , i appreciate your opinion a lot ,
and yes ISA , maybe that will mke me appreciate the next person who accepts me for who I am and not making me feel full of things need to be changed and be Happy ISA.
la ya roora. It's not your fault. You were just being yourself. It would have been dishonest to be anything else. We can be someone else for a day or two or 10 but in the end there is an old Arabic saying Altab3 yaghlib Altatabu3.
Don't think it was his fault either. He was probably just being himself too. I think you both deserve credit for not trying to deceive each other. A lot of couples do that during short engagements & then you find them after marriage talking about how they were tricked or how their partner changed completely etc...No one changes completely. The truth is that their partner just stopped pretending.
The two of you were just incompatible like Doshar was saying. Inshallah you will find your true soulmate & be very happy. Just remember always be true to yourself:)
yes ya Loulou , that is what he told me that he is acting as he is (i mean phone calls frequency or the emotional fullfillment) that this is his character and doesn;t want to decieve me , and he wants me to accapet him as he is .
But the same should be from my side , he should accept me as I am .
But actually he neither could stand the differences and neither me , even when i tried to act accepting the way he acts towards me and seem to be cool ,
i find myself getting worser , because actually i wasn't accepting it internally.
I think Muslim girls put so much pressure to get married and it leads to emotions like you described. Many of my friends have felt exactly the same way you describe roora. I think the key to feeling better, what I learned, is to say "Allah knows best" and leave this fear is hands. Guys arent the best at calling- it's just not the way it is in the movies- but that doesnt mean this guy was right because I dont know the whole story... Have faith in God and maybe have some introspection on what makes you feel nervous... when you feel that way, what thoughts are running through your mind? Is it insecurity? Rumi says it best "move but move not the way fear moves you"... ust my two cents.
Aisha, you are right about how we pressure ourselves, after the issue was over, i find myslef that I was more attached by the person because of the fullfilment he had done in my life (at a certain period of time ) and ofcourse there was a large degree of acceptance, but maybe if I had seen him in my normal life, without having this sort of arranged marriage , maybe I wouldn't of love him.
and maybe this was the problem when he wasn't emotionally fullfillig me ,
the problem aisha, that his attitude was in the first two months was MUCH extra care and phone calls that what could be normal between the engagaed couples, and then this was transfereed after a while , to less than normal , that is why i was upset more , because i was used to a certain level of attension and care and then it changed and yes i was afraid because this may mean that his emotions were changed.
i am not saying that he was wrong or not, but I am actually more analyzing myself and my attitude so as to learn.
But Thanks aisha indeed, your words are typical like my mom , leave things for God's hands and have more faith ISA. And i will try to make the introspection.
I give you this advice because I've been through it all myself, and once I listened to my mom (they have good points sometimes :) )things worked out better. With guys the first few months is very exciting being in a relationship, over time they get used to it and stop getting the "high" then they start pulling away. Usually an immature "jerk" guy will think that since he doesnt feel that feeling of infatuation he's just going ot be ambivalent towards her. A good guy will also come down from the exciting rush of a new relationship but embrace the relationship anyways..... were you the first girl he talked to and was he young? Those could be factors in this.
yes ya aisha, maybe because I was unexperienced and I wasn;pt paying attnesion to relations , but I found what you are saying exactly what is happening with other couples ,
But tell you what my friends were divided into two groups , one said you were overdoing it , it is not a must that he calls or being emotional beside the other qualities he had. and the other said and agreed that being emotional is essential ,
I say this is out of differences in characters, people needs differ, but i don;t want some one sophisticating me and calling me and that is it , i would like also t have my life , but i could of feel that he cares through even one call , it can be felt Aisha right? you can feel that you are enjoying the company with the person and same ges for him and he wants to spend time , not by how many times or by how much time , but it can be felt .
Maybe i was overdoing and i think i will be better in that afterwards because i know how it goes as you said, but i will still need to feel that I am happy and being myslef and loved.
Your question was he young , he was 26 going on 27 , I don;t call that young! but i think he felt that he was out of love from me even if he denied it because he simply left me after all.
BtW, aisha , i read your blog , i realized that you are married right ?
it's touching ... but yea as Twosret said he was trying to control u ,, drifting u toward him till he get sure u r his & try to shape u as he wants & it's really our problem Egyption girls ,, most of "el 2osar el mo7afza" as girls never get into friendship with other gendre ,, me myself is raising that flag soo high ,, no into deep relation with my male friends , just normale onz ,, i dunno now if i'm right or wrong ,, but i still go with that rule just watching others & get learned
tota,
i have contacts with male friends anc colleagues, I was in one of the most open schools, and most of my cousins who are of mt same age are males and I have colleagues in work , but I never concentrated when my freind tells me about her husband or her fiance or even (and maybe this is a problem in me ) that I don;t concentrate too much in other's behaviour , I mean males , as long as there is strong relation so as to learn .
Hope ISA , nest time things would be better , ISA .
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